Favourite Blue Sweater
by meghan.x
Summary: A story of losing yourself in the crazy world of love and drugs. OOC


**Title: **Favourite Blue Sweater

**Rating: **M

**Paring: **Ricky/Amy

**Summary: **A story of losing yourself in the crazy world of love and drugs.

**Warnings: **Contains mild sexual content, drug use, swearing, and lovey dovey scenes.

**A/N. Ahh my lovely readers, such a long time it has been. Words cant even begin to express my love I have for all of you. I started this account at quite a young age...I'm talking 5 years ago or so. Since then, through every up and down, I still get e-mails alerting me of being a favourite author, on author alert, reviews, favourited and even messages. It blows my mind the support that this community has for the writers on it, and it's people such as yourselves who make the world a better place! With that, I give you a one shot! Warning, this one shot is a lot different than what is usually written on here, but this is based off true events in my life.**

* * *

_April- Blue sweater_

"Can you pass me the wrench?" a disgruntled voice muttered beside me. I shook my head, reaching to pass him the tool and giggled.

"I don't understand why you insist on fixing this piece of shit truck yourself, there's really no fixing it," I jokingly responded as I continued to scroll my phone, not even looking at him as I retorted.

"Don't question me, woman!" Ricky laughed from under the steering wheel, his melodic voice carrying with the wind.

Ricky Underwood had been my best friend for as long as I could remember. His quirky personality, his amazing hugs, his loving advice, and his protective nature had kept me wanting to hold onto our friendship for as long as possible. Today, he was fixing his old truck that was merely falling apart with every bump we hit on our small town roads, and I was sitting inside of it waiting for him to be done to get food.

"It's getting cold," I stated a few more minutes into his attempts at being a mechanic.

"Grab my blue sweater," he sputtered, coughing as he answered me. I reached behind me, grabbing his favourite sweater, and sliding into it. The sleeves were way too long, and the sweater almost touched my knees, but it felt so good. His cologne was very evident on the sweater, and I melted into him.

And in that moment...I wasn't too sure what happened. I really, truly, one hundred percent, looked at Ricky. He began to hum to an old eighties rock song, the smell of cigarette and cologne was drifting around me, and I couldn't help but stare as he fiddled with the truck. His brown hair was messy today and not styled, his jeans were dirty and his shirt was clearly too tight. My head leaned to the side, I bit my lip, and I felt my stomach drop.

I wasn't too sure what happened that day, or what had changed. The rain was falling hard, and as his hair began to get wet, I felt a spark. His hazel eyes felt like home, his lips looked like safety, and his sweater felt like a cozy day filled with cuddles and his laugh.

That was the day I think lost my mind.

* * *

_July- Dazed and Confused_

The room smelled heavily of pot, the thick smoke drifted around the room. I lay flat on the bed, my fingers linked together and resting on my stomach, and quite music floated through the room. I gazed as the ceiling, listening to the sound of water bubbles and Ricky sucking in. He coughed loudly, waking me of my trance and flipping myself over to look at him. I laid flat on my stomach, my ankles locking around eachother, his sweater keeping me warm despite the summer heat.

"Want a toke?" he asked me with watery eyes and a distracted smile.

"I'm okay," I laughed. I swore with the thick cloud of smoke in the room, I was already contact high. He rolled his eyes and turned back to his computer, clicking on a song and changing it after the first verse. Becoming bored of something quickly seemed to be his problem.

"Do you ever get tired of it?" I innocently questioned.

"Get tired of what?" Ricky asked, his eyes squinty and head tilted as he looked at me with wonder.

"Being high..." I whispered, not wanting to offend him.

"Never," he retorted quickly, shuffling around weed piles on his desk with a razor blade. He began to look nervous as he tried to avoid my gaze.

"Would there ever be anything that would make you quit smoking weed?" I spoke softly, genuinely wondering if I would be worth it.

"Nothing I can think of," he muttered. I sighed, flipping back to my original position on my back.

In that moment, I knew I would never be enough for Ricky Underwood.

* * *

_August- Jealousy_

Ricky had never been a serious relationship guy, it was almost as if he had a phobia of woman. Being the first girl he had expressed interest in and took seriously, I wasn't too sure how he would be. What I wasn't ready for?

His jealousy.

"How does it feel?" I whispered, my voice dripping with question.

He looked up from grinding his weed, his eyes slightly hooded and glossy, his face holding a serious expression.

"It feels like someone's trying to take something that's mine," he said simply, a slight growl in his voice.

It hit me in that moment; he sees me as his. I am to be no one else's but his, and for once, I am.

But I'm not at the same time.

My eye brows furrowed and my mouth turned to a slight smirk.

"So you don't want anyone else to have me?" I asked, my teeth sinking into my bottom lip. He sighed, and continued grinding.

"No, you're mine..." He whispered now, all hint of harshness gone from his tone. It was replaced with something that seemed sad.

"I don't get it," I sighed, my teeth releasing my lip and my head falling into my hands.

He laughed, "You don't have to get it."

He grabbed a pipe, filling it only slightly with weed and walking over to the bed. I looked at him oddly.

"You want me to smoke that?" I questioned while starring at it. It's not that I didn't enjoy getting high, but I didn't enjoy getting high with someone I truly and deeply cared for.

"Oh c'mon, babe. Just a little one," he teased as I felt him crawl beside me. I shook my head childishly, closing my mouth. He brought it to my lips, holding his lighter in his other hand. I sighed and parted my lips, watching his gaze settle on them. He paused for a moment, then slowly shook his head for a split second. He brought it right to my mouth which I let him. He lit the green plant, causing it to burn and I immediately smelt the fumes. I sucked in strongly, taking all the smoke the little bit of weed had to offer. I held it for a moment, blowing out slowly towards his face.

He breathed in immediately, and I couldn't help the shiver I felt as I realize we were in a very intimate moment. His gaze met mine, his hazel eyes swimming in a light pink color, his face flushed. Our eyes never left each others.

I felt comfortable.

And horny as fuck.

He started laughing, officially breaking the moment and laid with his head on my shoulder. Yeah, it was uncomfortable but I accepted it. My hand drew lazy circles on his back and his leg wrapped around both of mine.

* * *

_September- Wedding_

White mesh decorated in Christmas lights hung from the ceiling, tables were covered in white cloth and people danced in dresses and tuxes, all celebrating a marriage. He took me as his date, and at one point in the evening, introduced me as his girlfriend.

"You having fun?" His hot breath fanned against my ear as he questioned me. I nodded my head with a smile, not even bothering to look at him because I knew he was watching me.

His arm came behind my chair, and slid me closer. Instinctually I leaned back into him, wanting to feel the closeness.

We danced.. Fuck did we dance. As the night carried on, the alcohol became known in my system and I couldn't stop smiling and dancing if I wanted to.

With that also came the intense desire to have a lot of sex with him.

My thighs ached as he danced against me, my body craving more then the feeling of package against my back. I wanted to feel him in between my legs, feel his tongue and feel his hands.

Said hands were on my hips, singing an old 80s song into me.

"C'mon baby make it hurt so good!" He sang as he looked me in the face, a smirk on his features and his hand on my back. He pulled me closer so I was flush against his body.

"Mmmm," he moaned when I wiggled against him. I bit my lip and did it again.

He pulled me even closer, If that was humanly possible, and starred me in the eyes. I gazed at him with an intense desire, and he grabbed my hand.

He led me through the back doors towards outside where you can have a smoke. We noticed we were alone as soon as we walked into the dark, rainy night and immediately he pushed me against the wall. I gasped and pulled him towards me, accepting the notion.

He hands went on my hips and his mouth went on my neck. His large hands travelled down my thighs towards my heat and I moaned slightly. I could feel his teeth on my neck and I swear to fucking god I almost passed out.

"You're so fucken hot," he swore as his fingers grazed my center.

Lord forgive me.

* * *

_October- Dance_

"You're not going," Ricky firmly stated as he turned a corner, completely blowing a stop sign.

"You don't want me to go?" I asked quietly, hoping his answer would change.

"No, other boys will be there and wanting to touch you, I don't want that!" he slighly yelled, sounding foolish.

"Fine, I won't go," I said in defeat. Ricky was sure set on not wanting me to go to the Halloween dance. I sighed and looked out the window, sipping on my coffee and exhaling smoke. I gazed at the trees in silence, craving freedom, but loving his suffocating embrace.

_He turned me into an object, and I turned him into a god._

* * *

_January- Fighting_

Every day I found myself in a dark place. The nights on nights of fighting, the lashing out and yelling, the ignoring and loud silence. I loved him so much, it hurt to breathe around him because my heart felt like it only wanted to beat for him.

It was sickening.

I felt alone in a crowded room that consisted of his family and friends, but I was also obsessed with their adoration for me. How is that even possible, right? I wasn't too sure, but all I knew was he had all me, and I wasn't keeping any for myself.

That night, no one was home. It was him and I, lights dimmed and his cozy bed.

"I love you," he whispered.

I smiled and kissed his chest, "I love you too."

Before I knew it, I was in heaven.

His brown eyes stared into mine as his hands explore and travel, leaving goosebumps in their wake.

His soft lips touched mine, feeling like velvet as they glided easily in a rhythmic pattern.

His breath ghosted over my thighs, making me shiver as it felt like a hot summers day sending waves through my body.

His voice calmed me down but ignited an inner fire in my being.

His heart captured mine, taking my soul into its hands, toying with its delicate presence, then dropping it as if nothing is there, shattering it into thousands of non-existent pieces.

I am gone.

* * *

_February- Silence_

One month. I haven't talked to Ricky in exactly one month, and I was losing my mind. Days felt like weeks and nights were long and restless. It was a constant battle to not call or even message his sorry self.

He didn't love me though, and he made it pretty damn clear.

He ignored my cries to reach out to him, he ignored my kiss and phone calls, and even went as far to tell me he woke up in the morning and didn't love me anymore. I knew it was bullshit, but I never called him on it. I dealt with the feeling of hurt and defeat, and needed a release.

That is how I found myself wasted in my friends kitchen.

The burn the vodka left in my throat kept me awake till dawn, but the spins made me want to sleep. I felt nothing as I laid there in my bed that night, even though the room was spinning, not even the fact that the silence of the bedroom was peircing my ears was phasing me.

* * *

_March- Party_

Today was Ricky's birthday. We had spoken more often all month, talking about wanting to work it out. We hung out quite often, but hardly did he ever kiss my lips. He never held my hand, or told me I was beautiful. Yet, I tortured myself with the idea he would change and love me.

I wasn't good enough for him, I wasn't what he wanted or needed, but I still gave him my all. I was broke and alone after him, but I still chased after his affection.

I was a ridiculous, hot mess.

The music blared through the living room, Jacks' parents had gone out of town for the weekend, and we had to celebrate Ricky's day.

"Amy!" Adrian yelled, wrapping her shoulders around my neck, pulling me into the kitchen with her. "Wanna come to the bathroom with me?" she winked, grabbing my hand.

"Yeah sure, I could pee!" I giggled, the alcohol clearly playing a part into my lack of filter. We linked fingers as I followed her into the bathroom, weaving our way through the crowded bodies who we all called our friends. I sat down and did my business, all while she took a pill out of her pocket.

"Are you...speeding?" I questioned, looking down at the tab on the counter. She pulled out a bill and a lighter, crushing the pill into a powder and rolling the bill.

"Yeah, I love doing it when I drink, you know this!" She laughed, taking a bank card out of her pocket to create a few lines.

I hadn't ever done hard drugs, but I knew a lot of people who had. Ricky had done a lot of them, and I knew he was still doing them behind my back. I wasn't too sure what the big thing was with them, I was sort of scared of them. They were expensive and seemed to ruin lives, but as I watched Adrian shuffle powder around into perfect lines, I became curious.

"I think I want to try it," I whispered, biting my lip.

"Yay! Really?" Adrian screamed with big eyes, her pupils already seeming dialated.

"Yes, I don't think I can go through this whole birthday party without something to help me out," I laughed, taking a long sip of my drink, the booze sliding down my throat with ease.

"Awesome! You're going to have a good time tonight, and with this, you won't feel anything until later! It's good stuff," she explained as she handed me a rolled twenty. I leaned down, putting the bill to the powder, and sucked it powerfully up my nose.

It burned...alot. It felt almost as if I had stuck acid up my nose. I tilted my head back, feeling a slight head rush. I looked back at Adrian and giggled, wiping the extra off from around my nose. We gathered our things and left the bedroom, joining the crowd again as if nothing had happened. I stood by the counter, and Ricky came to stand beside me.

"Having a good time tonight?" he asked as he took a swig from his beer.

"I actually am," I smiled as I took a sip as well. He nodded and looked away for awhile before he looked down to stare into my eyes.

"You're jacked," he stated.

"No," I lied with ease. It felt as if I didn't believe it myself.

"Yes you are, but it's okay. I did cocaine tonight," he admitted casually, acting as if it was nothing. Normally, I would have lost it on him. In that moment? I didn't care.

The night continued on in a blur. I felt girls mouths touch mine with pictures snapped, I took shots and danced like no one was watching. As I went to get some fresh air, Ricky was standing outside as well, both hands in his pockets and his beer resting in the snow. Silence over took and all I could hear was the muffled music inside and the sound of the wind in the trees.

I looked at his face, his lips were pink and wet, his eyes were slightly squinted, and his colonge was making me feel even more drunk.

"Kiss me," I whispered, starring at Ricky's face.

"No," he responded firmly, not even wanting to meet my gaze.

"Kiss me and tell me if you feel anything. If you do, I know that what we're going through is worth it. If you don't, tell me and I can move on," I retorted loudly. I was determined to feel his tongue.

Before I could hear an answer, his mouth was on mine. The taste of alcohol and cigarette was evident, but the taste of him was more intoxicating. It felt like hours, but it was probably seconds before his lips left mine. He looked down at me, his fingers gliding against my cheek, and smiled.

I got my answer. "Happy birthday," I smirked.

"Let's go inside," he smiled and playfully pushed me towards the door.

Little did I know, that cocaine was a love drug in that case, and more months of complicated signs and sleepless nights were to come.

* * *

_May- Lost_

I lost myself. I lost myself in the world of drugs, alcohol, and no sleep. Why? I didn't know.

I was staying up for days, fainting from lack of sleep and food, and from too much drugs and alcohol. I lost myself in a world of long nights, fights, and throwing money out the door. I got violent sometimes, even going as far as hitting Ricky once. I let myself be touched by men, always chanting to myself that Ricky and I weren't together anymore, and that I needed male attention to make myself feel better.

I lost myself in my own world, a selfish world.

I lost myself in a broken heart, in empty promises and constant lies.

I lost who I was.

I forgot how to love myself, treat myself, for I was too dependant on things and people.

Drugs and the thought of love were the only things keeping me alive, but draining me all at once.

* * *

_July- Puzzle _

Ricky and I hardly talk any longer. As painful as it is, I think it's better this way. My heart is finally healing, but a slow and brutal process. His clothes pop up everywhere, his face shows up in random places, and his friends remind me everyday of how he is. The drugs have finally left my system, and I can sleep a full night.

I am no longer okay with being looked at as an object, but rather I want to be seen a strong and positive human being. I lost who I was, I was like an un-solved puzzle. Now it is time to put the pieces together, glue them, and hang it up for everyone to see.

I lost my bestfriend, boyfriend, and myself. I lost precious time that was wasted on sniffing lines and partying till the sun was shining brightly over my head, but I learned a lot through it all.

I learned that coping isn't easy, but you can make it easier on yourself. I learned that the wrong people in your life can make you sick, and I learned that am my own person.

"Can you pass me the remote?" Grace asked, waking me out of my daze.

"Of course," I smiled as I handed it to her.

I snuggled into the couch, feeling cozy as ever in his favourite blue sweater.

* * *

**There we go! I know this story seemed to be missing a lot, but if I had to write everything that happened in the past year and a half...I'd be sitting here for months. Over all though, this story was fairly dark, but it wasn't meant to be bright! LOL I hope you all enjoyed reading, and I really do want to release more stories to you guys! I have tons of ideas, for my writers block is gone, and my mind is set free. I hope you all have had an amazing summer so far, and thank you for reading. Love you my beautifuls! XO**

**-**_M_


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